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A lot has changed lately. But change is good, right?
I quit IHOP. The hours sucked and the pay was shitty. Tomorrow I have plans and for some reason I wrote them down thinking that would help me actually follow through with them. We shall see…
I’m going to go pick up my last check from work (which will probably be a big, fat $40). Then I plan on taking Olivia to the library and applying for some jobs. Oh, last but not least, calling NWACC to get this college thing started. I’m really kind of excited about it to tell you the truth.
Me and Austin have been good. No huge fights, just little ones. Somedays he is really sweet. I love it and I wish he was like that all the time. Actually, today I was really doubting that we will ever be a couple. I just couldn’t find a reason for us to date. We’re basically dating now besides the fact that he can talk to other girls without it being considered cheating. That bugs me though. I LET him talk to other girls (dumb on my part), but he gets pissed if I talk to other guys. I don’t want to talk to other guys though. It’s a waste of my time. Oh, and today is Austin’s birthday. He’s 19 now.
I’m struggling with an addiction. I know I’m addicted. I want to stop, but then again I don’t. I’m always torn about it. I know the right thing to do, but I am a human and I am weak.
I hate being broke. I HATE IT. I need to buy Olivia Christmas presents. Zach owes me probably $1,000 in child support. I’m about to get it court ordered. Unfortunately, I can’t do it without his help.
And I’m down to my last cigarette. Goodnight.

“First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels. What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen.Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back. “My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.

Amen.”

-Tina Fey

Today Zach dropped Olivia around 10:30 pm. I answered the door. Olivia’s first question was “Where’s GiGi?!” and I told her she was in her bed. She gave Zach a hug and a kiss and ran downstairs. It was just me and Zach standing there. That’s when I realized how awkward we are around each other now. We can’t even make eye contact, it’s very strange. We used to be best friends, I was in love with him and he was in love with me. And now we can’t even look each other in the eyes? But it’s not in a rude way… It’s just if we make eye contact we start smiling or laughing. I don’t understand this at all. I’m not going to lose any sleep over this, I just thought it was weird. I suppose weird is good though. Goodnight freaks.

Raindrops like bullets on my fragile skin. And insecurities I’ve had are creeping within. Now I’m 20 miles outside of the place that you live. And I need one more chance now that time’s running thin.

Well you are the things that make up my dreams. And I’ve spent every dime that jingled my jeans. I deserve every stone that’s thrown out at me. And I think of your smile, I’m in love with your teeth.

I’m losin’ when I am not playin’ no games. Now, would you take me back when I gamble my pain? I’ve got no direction without her little fingers. Barbed wire, razor wire, nothing keeps me from her.

Now if I had no boots, I’d trek through the mud. While mosquitos are racing to draw the first blood. If you’re runnin’ away, then I’m lookin’ for you. And if you’ve lost your way, I’m seein’ you through. If you’re runnin’ away, then I’m lookin’ for you. And if you’ve lost your way, I’m seein’ you through…

I just set down to relax in the bath and the water was scolding on my feet. I was outside, barefoot, so that didn’t help my case. I miss being a free teenager with no worries. Actually, I don’t miss it because I never had that. I suppose I just wish I knew what it was like. I’ve been a mother since I was 14. That sentence was very strange to type. Honestly, I have so much going through my mind right now I just want to scream. But my body is at ease. I’m confused. Sometimes I wish I had friends. I really only have two friends, kind of. There’s Austin, but he’s an asshole and I truly don’t know why I’m even friends with him. I don’t want to like him anymore. Our relationship just goes ‘round and ‘round in a big dysfunctional circle. We’re not on the best of terms right now. I really thought we were going to start dating but now he’s talking to another girl and doesn’t have much time for me anymore. I wish I could say it doesn’t bother me, but that would be a lie. Then there’s Alexis. Between working and sleeping we don’t spend much time together anymore. Just the occasional text, but she’s still my friend. My mom is coming back soon for a doctors appointment and she’s bringing me ten little presents. Those will help. I think I’m mildly depressed and might need a therapist and drugs. Mainly drugs. I need to wash my hair.